I was lying in bed, Marissa was lying beside me. She was wiggling and giddy...just as she used to be. I was holding her close, for I knew this was a dream. I could feel her. I could see the muscles in her legs...she was very solid, muscular but tender. I felt her curls actually brushing my face! Suddenly I was aware that God was with us. I couldn't see God, but I heard him. I begged him to just let her stay. I remember that I pleaded with Him...what would it hurt? Why can't she just stay with me??? His answer was, "No, you know that is not possible." I began to cling to her and sob...and then I woke.
These dreams, although comforting in a sense, are also heartbreaking. I wish that I could awaken to find the nightmare of my daily life to be "Just a Horrible Dream!" My longing is so great, simply unbearable. I miss my baby girl more than anything in this Life or the Next. I ache.
I was riding a bicycle with my child on the back. At first, it was my son, Matthew on the back but then, I turned again, and it was Marissa. I stopped the bike and turned to her. I said, "Marissa, can you see me?" She said, "Yeah, Ma." I said, "come here, let me hold you. Can you FEEL me?" She said, "Yeah, Ma!" Her tone of voice was like, why are you asking...this is silly. Then I said, "Let me kiss you, kiss my baby. Can you feel Mommy kissing you?" And again, all she answered was, "Yeah, Ma!"
Then as dreams go, I was in another place.
I was being ridden in the Toyota Carolla (that we were in when the crash occurred.) There was no driver and I was frightened. When I turned back to the driver's seat, Marissa was driving! I said excitedly, "Marissa, you can drive in Heaven?" She said, "Yeah, Ma!" She was driving in my parents neighborhood. She was going to their house. I was giving my three year old instructions on driving! She pulled into my parents driveway and suddenly, the car was mangled, just as it was after the crash. My sister Doris (Marissa's godmother/Nanny), and Marissa's nursery school teacher, Ms. Beth, were coming out the front door sobbing, clinging to one another. They were coming to look at the car. When I saw them, I got excited. I said, "Marissa, you have to let Nanny and Ms. Beth see you!!! Marissa said, "No, Nanny can't see me." And then she was gone. As the two approached the car, they saw me sitting in the front seat and started to tell me that I didn't belong in the car. They were very upset that I was in the car.
Once agin, in the dream world, the scene changed. This time, I was holding Marissa. I was loving her and clinging to her, never wanting to let go. A man approached us, and Marissa started whining. He came to us and said, "It's time. She has to come with me." I started wailing and turned away from him. "NO!!!! You cannot take her. She just got here. She is NOT going!!!" Then, SHE appeared. She was so beautiful. When Marissa saw her, she immediately stopped crying and became peaceful. This "Angel" put her arms out for Marissa (as you would to coax a baby to come to you.) She said, "I am Elveen. I am here to take Marissa. She must come." I knew that this was an Angel. She had no wings, but moved with such grace. Her hair was a light brown, very long, and cascaded down her back. She was so intensely beautiful, she radiated. Marissa went right to her...being held on this Angel's hip. Marissa was happy to see her. I asked the Angel to repeat her name to me, for I wanted to remember. No one would believe that she came to me, if I couldn't remember. She said, "I am Elveen. I am the one who cares for Marissa." With that, she turned and they walked away from me. I awoke.
Another Dream, Sept. 18, 1999
I was on the phone with my friend, Velma. I walked into Marissa's room looking for Matthew. I saw my child lying on the floor but it was Marissa! I told Velma, "Oh My Goodness, I am having one of those dreams again. Marissa is here." Velma started crying and asked me, "What are you talking about? Is she really there?"
Yes, she is here. Right here!!!" I hurried off the phone and knelt beside her. I couldn't believe my eyes! I ran my fingers through her curles. I was thinking, this can't be, but it is. Marissa is here! I scooped her up into my arms. I started talking to her. I asked her about her eyes. (I know why, because her Daddy had a dream about her and her eyes.) She said that she was fine, everything was okay. I just held her to my body. I again could "feel" her. Oh how I wish this were real!!!!!!! She visited with me briefly, and again, disappeared.
I miss you, my darling baby girl!!!!!!! Thank you for coming to Mommy's dreams!!!!! Please keep visiting me, Marissa!!!!! I love you, love you, love you, baby girl!!!!!!!
Another Dream, October3, 1999
This time I was in the street. It was my mothers's street, but at the far end of the block. There was chaos, lots of people around. Mayhem, but I didn't know why. I was full of fear and was waiting at the end of the street for my mother to join me. I was yelling, "Mom!", and asking people if they had seen her.
Then I heard a male voice, "Mamaia Schick"...(mamaia is what Marissa called my mom and Schick is my maiden name). This man was a messenger. Everyone in the crowd became calm. I ran to him. "Wait, that is my mother!" "I have a message from Marissa for her," he said. "Marissa wants her to know that she loves her Maia and she sends her message throuth Immanuel." I thought at first that he said, Manuel, but then he repeated it. "She sends her spirit and love." Then this 'messenger' was gone.
I turned to see my mother among the others there. She didn't hear the 'message', though, and I had to tell her what this 'messenger' had said of her and my Marissa.